Today I was late for work. I felt the need to stay in the house longer because I rarely spend time with my daughter nowadays. I kept hoping that if I hit the teaspoon against my cup she would wake up, say hi and then go back to sleep…all my efforts failed. She slept on as soundly as she had during the night.
When I started this internship I did not think that it would bring a gap between me and her. For those few months I stayed with her after clearing school we invested in a strong bond and I said to myself that it would never be broken. Those are the days when she would come home from school and make me a list of her friends. I am proud to say that in her category of ‘home friends’ I was her number one friend. And when her school friend hurt her feelings I happily shifted to being the number one friend in school. It was utter bliss for me! Oh how I miss those days.
I mostly loved it when she was bored with playing and she comes to the house to simply tell me that she loves me. “Mami nakupenda!” she would say as she hugged me and ran out of the house to continue with her mischief. When she said those words it melted my heart into sweetness and I felt proud; proud to be a mother of a young soul who never cared about the world.
Now I am working and I rush home everyday just a few minutes before she sleeps so that she tells me she loves me and kisses and hugs me goodnight. Even after a long day I feel blessed to have that sleepy smile and tight hug.
With work come other problems. I know her pretty well and how she handles her emotions. If I am not there she will simply ignore my absence and turn her attention to my mother who she calls “Mum”. For her it’s an out-of-sight-out-of-mind situation. Now I have to work so hard and show her that that bond we had is still there. I want to tell her that she can be sure she can count on me for anything. After all we have always been there for each other back when I was at home. We were the best home buddies.
A week ago she told me that she is tired of waking up in the morning and spending the whole day looking for me while waiting for me to get home. She asked why I go and why I can’t stop making her suffer. I was surprised more when she told me that I was ill-mannered for letting her go through all that trouble of waking up and not finding me in the house. I did try to explain but she is more interested in when I will spend time with her again.
I wish she could understand that I am trying to make life easier for us…That I want us to move into that house she saw a picture of on my phone. If I tell her now she will ask why we aren’t moving yet. She is 3 and a half now but she has the mind of a six year old. I try to handle her in the best way hoping that all will be well even as I work and I look forward to more I love you’s from her.