Why I Never Raised My Hand In School

Growing up I always had this fear: fear of being branded unintelligent. Having a dad who told me that my short and fat fingers were for the intelligent ones, I always felt like a genius. I probably did not say much or raise my hand in school, but that was reflected in my grades.

In school I never raised my hand to answer a question the teacher asked. Not because I did not know the answer, but because I was silently hoping in my mind that my answer was the best answer. True to my thoughts, my answer was always the best (okay, not all the times). This saw me give myself a standing ovation. I do admit that sometimes I never really had an answer in mind.

I was my own celebrity and fan and I loved it that way. The only time I would raise my hand is when I had a question to ask. That is the only time I never had the fear of appearing stupid. As long as my thirst for the right information was quenched it never mattered.

While not raising my hand in class would seem like a selfish action, it really wasn’t. I do not talk much, but for someone who has known me for a long time would blatantly scream ‘liar’ after reading that. Why? I get comfortable after analysing how someone takes on some things said.

Flash forward to my current life, I still never raise my hand when a question is thrown to everyone. Unless I am picked my answer remains within my mind waiting to be approved. I am still afraid of appearing dumb and even if I am still on the journey of knowing something about everything, I dare not risk raising my hand.

Active participation! My teacher always said. But she never gave tips on how to especially for someone whose fear was stronger than the need to actively participate.

Even with all this, I have never hidden any information from anyone who sought it. I do love attention, hence explaining my inability to speak when everyone else is speaking. But I prefer a one man show, the feeling of content after having answered someone else’s questions.

The bottom line; the people in power scare the shit out of me and that is why I work hard to be powerful in the future. I believe that is the only way I will ever get over the fear of appearing foolish or dim-witted.

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I Make No Apologies For The Way I Am

I make no apologies for the way I am.
Yes! I may be intelligent, rude, careful, arrogant, nice, loving, warm, emotional or cranky but I will not apologize for that.

I will not apologize for being me and expressing me.
I will not apologize for giving an honest expression in regards to how you handled me.
I will not apologize for saying what is in my heart and clearing my conscience.
I will not apologize for the way I look. If you are uncomfortable looking at me then turn away don’t look. If you feel that I should be slimmer or have a bigger bosom those are your problems not mine.

I will not apologize for making decisions that involve my life.
I will not apologize for kicking you out of my life. If you did not serve any purpose in my life then it’s your problem not mine.
I will not apologize for the times I have cried my eyeballs out because I was hurt and frustrated or just plain moody because that’s me.
I will not apologize for allowing myself listen to your lies and go with the flow because I know in life such has to come by.

I will not apologize for loving cartoons and being a zombie because of them.
I will not apologize for the clothes I wear, my body image my business.
I will not apologize for being disinterested in politics; why do I need politicians?
I will not apologize if my opinion does not make your heart sing; it is just an opinion deal with it
I will not apologize for being lovely, loving and kind to people; that’s my virtue
I will not apologize for loving and getting heartbroken

I will not apologize for my life
I will not apologize for making wrong decisions concerning my future
I will also not apologize for not calling you lately; I cannot always make contact every time
I will not apologize for my love of art and my inability to make good drawings.

I make no apologies for the negative view you have of me; that’s just your opinion
No apologies will be made for being all that I am in every essence
Lastly I will not apologize for being a mother, daughter, niece, granddaughter and sister to the ones I love and for being a child of God