Why I Never Raised My Hand In School

Growing up I always had this fear: fear of being branded unintelligent. Having a dad who told me that my short and fat fingers were for the intelligent ones, I always felt like a genius. I probably did not say much or raise my hand in school, but that was reflected in my grades.

In school I never raised my hand to answer a question the teacher asked. Not because I did not know the answer, but because I was silently hoping in my mind that my answer was the best answer. True to my thoughts, my answer was always the best (okay, not all the times). This saw me give myself a standing ovation. I do admit that sometimes I never really had an answer in mind.

I was my own celebrity and fan and I loved it that way. The only time I would raise my hand is when I had a question to ask. That is the only time I never had the fear of appearing stupid. As long as my thirst for the right information was quenched it never mattered.

While not raising my hand in class would seem like a selfish action, it really wasn’t. I do not talk much, but for someone who has known me for a long time would blatantly scream ‘liar’ after reading that. Why? I get comfortable after analysing how someone takes on some things said.

Flash forward to my current life, I still never raise my hand when a question is thrown to everyone. Unless I am picked my answer remains within my mind waiting to be approved. I am still afraid of appearing dumb and even if I am still on the journey of knowing something about everything, I dare not risk raising my hand.

Active participation! My teacher always said. But she never gave tips on how to especially for someone whose fear was stronger than the need to actively participate.

Even with all this, I have never hidden any information from anyone who sought it. I do love attention, hence explaining my inability to speak when everyone else is speaking. But I prefer a one man show, the feeling of content after having answered someone else’s questions.

The bottom line; the people in power scare the shit out of me and that is why I work hard to be powerful in the future. I believe that is the only way I will ever get over the fear of appearing foolish or dim-witted.

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My Unspoken

2014-07-21 21.15.00

I was born human,

feeling all the emotions a being should feel.

I laughed , cried, felt sad, delighted, excited and sometimes confused with an upsurge of emotions.

then you came along…

 

They say ‘heaven comes to earth’ and with you that is how i felt,

whenever you went away it was winter in summer and i always cried because i missed you every minute,

even in your presence i still felt alone, because i knew in a few hours time i would be all alone,

its how you made me feel,

the completeness that made me feel wanted and full of life.

 

Back then life was worth it and life was long,

Who needed to be cautious of the future yet you were there?

The future did not matter as much as the present mattered,

the gifts, the chocolates made me sweet and bubbly always.

they said that it was just a way to confine me into your circle.

 

The clouds did gather,

and my eyes did see every wrong thing that happened,

but my heart was too blind;

It was already confined.

The laughter and joy turned to sorrow and tears,

More tears and tears till my body could not express more.

 

It was stormy and cloudy,

I could not see yet i could here your voice.

I cried in the darkness stretching my hand:

Hoping and waiting that you would my hero,

Even when i felt your hand hold mine i knew it wasn’t right.

 

Now all the voices came back to me,

Mama had told me to be careful,

but young me never listened,

‘It was my time to experience these things’ i said.

 

With no more tears i could only look up to the sky and wait for a sunny day,

I was sure that before those sunny days ever came i would face more stormier days,

Bleach cannot get rid of a stain fast,

i had to give myself time;

Time to look for tools to break down the walls of your circle:

It took a lot of energy and i gave up most of the times.

even when i had other thoughts,

her life was more important and i had to get out soon.

 

Ever been blind then you see again?

I felt that when i finally broke out to freedom.

That’s a past i wish to erase slowly .

 

 

I do not wish you dead but I wish you suffer from amnesia and forget me like I did you, because at the end of it all, i did not bruise my hands and drain my tear glands for you to invade my paradise.

Relishing Childhood

My internship has reduced the amount of time that I spend with my daughter. Three weeks ago I spent 24 hours with her-minus her 10 hours of sleep and 2 hours of school-and now I only see her for 30 minutes on a daily account. I learnt that last Friday she locked our cat in the refrigerator for more than 20 minutes and stood there waiting to see if it would open the door or shiver from cold. Luckily enough my mother was our cats hero and opened the refrigerator door saving the day. I honestly would have felt bad if that cat died. I love it and how comfortable we are together. Elizabeth’s best friend.

Anyway this morning I thought how great it was to be a kid. You did everything that sounded reasonable to you. You experimented with all the kitchen ingredients you came across and then ate that mixture. Amazingly getting sick was a wonder so the only thing your mum had to was administer dewormers and you are good to go.

Now am all grown up, I wish I could re-live those moments at times. You get home so tired from sitting, being creative, meeting deadlines, nasty bosses, hungry tummy and a smelly makanga and then you find a dirty untidy house waiting for you. As a child all you did was make a mess for someone else to clean. After all you are just a child. If you make a mess now who will clean it for you?

I miss the sleeping-much moments and waking-up-late moments and when exams were all about colouring squares and circles and guessing the right multiple choice answer. How great was that? Grown up exams require more than just reading notes and sitting for the exams, it feels like a professor trainee programme and when you fail the exam then you are just stupid or lazy or you do not research enough.

I am scared of everything. And what makes it scarier is that no lie can take away that fear and no person will hold you and make you feel the fear slip away. Those fears are in your mind the moment you wake up. Honestly, the fear of insecurity grips me every single day. Am happy that my daughter does not have an idea of what is going wrong and she still lives happily and bubbly. I just want her to savor every great thing about childhood.